not the man

It amazes me what the human mind can do. If I look hard enough for the answer I want, I can find it. I can grow it out of dirt and water with just the smallest seed. I can take a bit of flour and water and yeast and watch a story rise. I can believe anything if I want it enough, and then sometimes I find myself grateful to find that I don't want it enough anymore. Those moments, this moment, when I wake to find the dream isn't strong enough to hold me in my bed, that's the moment. I feel angry and I feel empty. There's nothing left to grow and rise. Nothing. And it feels right to blame myself. And it feels right to thank myself. I took a leap of faith and came up dreadfully short. And that's all I know for now.