opposites

I saw a powder blue scooter parked on Walnut Street after work tonight and my heart leaped into my throat. It's strange how I can have conflicting feelings almost simultaneously. Carol taught me to feel my feelings. To let them occupy me instead of constantly trying to wipe them away. But how do I make room for more than one feeling at the same time? Lately what I feel is angry again. And I know it's because I still haven't really made room for the sadness. Oh I've cried a few times but I wanted so badly not to want that I changed the music in my earbuds, quickened my step and began to think logically about the whole thing. Because I know and I know, but there's still an aching deep down where I can barely feel it, but it's there. I know it's there because I am constantly hungry and feeding myself and I am dreaming angry dreams and waking up tired. And looking at myself in the mirror to stop and see that I really am there, and I'm pretty, and I'm smarter than I think he gave me credit for. Or maybe than I gave myself credit for. And then there's another feeling too. There's another hunger but it's not a guilty hunger and it's not a sweet tooth it's a love welling up I can't afford to let loose. When he smiles at me I know it's there. When I hear his voice I know it's there. When he looks at me like I'm pretty and like I'm smart and like I really am there. Carol didn't teach me how to deal with these things. So I am quietly waiting and I am praying for winter full to come upon so I can stay in bed all day and I know I know.