lost sunday

A song I love written by a friend I know says plainly, "You were a notch on my heart, a hurt that outweighs the sum of its parts." We all know this kind of hurt and but what we neglect are the blind quantities. A hurt like this is a barrel fold. It gets larger each time around because it includes all the hurts that came before it.

And now I feel it's been a lost sort of a day. Waking up in one place and seeing the day laid clearly out before me and feeling the pull of drifting off to sleep encircled in his long arms and his steady breath. And instead I got lost along the way. A phone call and a flurry and now I'm just drunk and alone and I think I won't live through another disappointment. And the worst part is, the very worst part is knowing that I will live to another, and I'll live through that one too, and I'll live to see the next beyond and lord knows how old I'll get before this pattern expands enough to draw itself out and fade away. Or maybe, god help me, maybe it never will.

I liked this one. I kept thinking with time I might have liked him enough to unlearn all the things in my way. And now there's nothing but the terror. Because what if one comes along I like that much to begin with? Where will that leave me? Who would I become?